The SuperStar Apocalypse
by Artemis Day
Summary: Tony Stark opened the pantry door at Stark Tower to find Steve Rogers and Jane Foster making out inside. New York immediately went to hell. In which crack pairings destroy the world.


**A/N: This was written in response to a prompt at the Avengers Kinkmeme on LiveJournal. The prompt was:**

**"Partially Inspired by the sheer number of times I've seen some poor Author getting treated like they single-handedly started the end of days by a small group of fans, in various different fandoms for writing an uncommon pairing.**

**Rare Pairing literally starts the Apocalypse, can be Het, ie, Natasha/Fury, Slash, ie Bruce/Coulson, or even Fem-slash, ie Jane/Pepper, or any rare pairing the author decides to use.**

**Them getting together literally starts an apocalypse.**

**Ie, When our lips meet the earth moves, due to serious seismic disturbances.**

**Your touch makes me hot and light-headed, the seismic troubles have opened a rift into the Magma flow, releasing superheated poisonous gases.**

**Bonus, The Avengers find a way to stop the impending apocalypse without breaking apart the loving couple."**

**It was a good excuse to write that crack pairing I've always wanted to write.**

**Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Tony opened the pantry door to get another jumbo bag of potato chips, and found Steve Rogers and Jane Foster making out inside.

The entire city of New York immediately went to hell.

More specifically, the sky turned bright red like a blanket of fire. The sun became an even bright shade and brought temperatures up to heights never before recorded. Entire buildings burst into flames under the force, and even those that didn't had no chance when all the water in the Atlantic Ocean came together in an unfathomable wave the Gods themselves would envy, and bared down upon them. The buildings crumbled into each other, taking countless civilians with them. Cars were strewn all about when the tornado hit. They slammed through windows and walls all the way across Manhattan. People were screaming as they tried to wade through knee deep water. Another wave was already forming and they hadn't a prayer. With the entire city either flooded or burning, the Avengers (plus Jane) were trapped on the roof of Stark Tower, which was still standing against all odds.

They were grouped together, Tony and Clint at the forefront, Natasha and Thor bringing up the rear, Steve and Jane in the middle, arms around each other for support. Jane's face was buried in Steve's chest, his shirt damp from her tears while he shamelessly cried himself. He held her tight, seeking to comfort her and maybe receive some in return.

Clint stepped away from the group, shaking his head. A car whizzed by, but he wasn't phased.

"Well," he glanced over his shoulder. "This sure sucks. I mean, I had tickets to see 'Annie' friday night, and now this damn apocalypse came and destroyed the theater! That figures."

Tony's jaw dropped, a sound of disgust issuing from his throat.

"Are you for real? We're dealing with something this serious and all you can think about is some musical?!"

Clint glared at him, but Tony refused to back down. In the middle of their staring contest, Tony became fed up. There was no time for childish games, he needed Clint to understand how severe the situation was and to stop worrying about his own stupid problems. With great flourish, Tony raised one finger, and pointed at the _true _cause for alarm.

"Don't you realize that Steve and Jane just hooked up?!" he demanded. The couple in question shrunk back under Tony's scrutiny. "I mean, what the hell is that? It makes no sense and now it's bringing the world to an end."

"It certainly escalated quickly," Bruce said to himself.

"Wait a minute," Jane said, dislodging herself from Steve's embrace. "What do you mean _we_ brought the world to an end? You can't honestly believe Steve and I are the cause of all this!"

She motioned at the horrific scene. Ironically, one of the last standing buildings exploded right at that moment. Jane immediately put her hand down. Tony rolled his eyes and approached them. Without a word, he grabbed both Steve and Jane by the hands, ignoring their sputtered protests, and forced their hands together.

Another building exploded.

Tony pulled them apart, then joined their hands again.

A second wave hit and took out the Statue of Liberty.

He did it a third time.

The tornado appeared out of nowhere and erased everything in the near vicinity.

He did it again.

There came an enormous splash as the moon fell from the sky and landed in what remained of the Atlantic.

Tony smiled smugly. "How about we try a kiss now?"

"Alright, Tony, you've made your point!" Bruce said. He rubbed his temples in exasperation. Another car flew over his head, sweeping his hair to one side. He just sighed deeply. "So what do we do now?"

"Obviously, we have a lot of people to save," Natasha said, eyeing the exponential damage with barely concealed apprehension. "Assuming we can…"

"Hmm…" Tony rubbed his bearded neck thoughtfully. "This is a doozy… what do you think Thor?"

Everyone turned to the mighty Thunder God, who was looking much less mighty than usual at the moment. His posture was awful: shoulders slumped, knees buckling, eyes and mouth wide, with the former trained on Steve and Jane's interlocked hands.

"But- But- But- But- But- But-"

"He's still processing, huh?" Natasha asked no one in particular.

"He's been doing that since we first caught Steve and Janey making out," Tony said.

Everyone else groaned.

"Tell him he can angst later, we've got work to do!" Clint emphasized by drawing an arrow from his near endless supply. With God-worthy aim and little actual concentration, he sent it sailing into a car eighty stores down. It blew up on impact mere inches away from a battered hotdog kiosk. The person manning it ran for his life.

The Avengers all looked at each other and resolutely nodded. They were the city and the world's greatest heroes, and even if it was pointless, they would defend their planet to the very end. Even against itself.

Everyone took a moment to brace themselves for the onslaught. Tony had JARVIS go through last minute diagnostics; Bruce hulked out; Clint readied another arrow; Natasha stretched and cocked her gun; Thor stared at Steve and Jane some more ("But- But- But-").

As for Steve, well, he was taking the time to enjoy what could be the final moments he'd spend with his newfound Love.

"I'll be fine," he told Jane, a confident smile on his face that wasn't quite effective when his eyes spoke of nothing but weariness and fear. "I promise that I'll come back to you. Just stay inside, alright? The tower's stayed standing so far, I know we're both going to make it."

"I'm scared," Jane admitted, biting her lip. "But if anyone can fix this, it's the Avengers. I have faith in you guys, especially you, Steve."

Steve laughed, and it was barely a whisper. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. She rested her head on his chest, momentarily content with just being close to him.

"Those are some high expectations," Steve said in her ear. "But for you, I'll live up to them."

"You're too sweet."

"But- But- But- But-"

Thor's dull voiced ramblings continued as Steve lowered his head to Jane's. She met him halfway, their lips brushing together in a chaste kiss.

Immediately, twelve buildings in a row exploded and came down as one. The resulting shockwaves shook the area apart. The plastered roof of the tower started to whine and creak, not at all helped by the massive weight of the Hulk on top of it. When the disturbance had passed, Tony eyed the young couple with distaste.

"Here's an idea," he said. "Until we've fixed this, why don't you two _not_ do _that_?"

Steve and Jane grinned sheepishly.

"Aright, everyone," Steve had composed himself, and taken his place before the rest of his team like the leader he was. "Not much time for planning, so let's just go in and do everything we can."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Clint said.

"But- But- But- But- But-"

"You said it, Thor," Tony said. "Let's do this!"

They sprang into action.

* * *

It couldn't have been more than an hour that went by, but it felt like so much longer. The world was crashing down around them. Anyone else would think it insane to fight against nature's fury, but the Avengers had done the impossible before. Locked in individual battles, they could know nothing except what was right in front of them. The threat of death hung over their heads like a vulture, craning it's neck out to spy meat and bones to chew on.

They fought like the fiercest warriors.

Clint stayed on the tower, shooting down debris before it could crash into more buildings and windows. Natasha was right below him on the ground, handling rioters in their fear induced anarchy with an ease that was second nature. She stopped one looter with a bullet to the leg, then whirled around and snapped the neck of a man attempting to force himself on a terrified young woman in plain view. Tony flew through the air, chasing after the tornado at a reasonably safe distance. JARVIS took the time to get some readings on it.

"Wind speed is 120 miles per hour, sir," the A.I. said.

"Could be worse, I guess," Tony said. "Bring us up to eighty percent, JARVIS."

"Of course, sir."

Since smashing wasn't exactly prudent in this situation, the Hulk focused his energies on keeping people out of the biggest danger zones. He carried them ten at a time through flooded areas and away from falling buildings. Those he couldn't carry, he roared at, scaring them into running as fast as they could. Thor mostly just stood around, still shell-shocked and rambling while destruction rained down around him.

"But- But- But-"

He was, at least, coherent enough to direct the lightning storm away from the city with a half heartedly swing of Mjolnir. He then went right back to sulking until the next one showed up.

Always the true hero, Steve was rescuing children from over-turned cars and women from burning buildings. He worked to save as many as he could, but was constantly distracted by the proud tower behind him. He prayed to God that Jane was okay up there. He'd already lost Peggy, going back and finding Jane dead surely would be the end of him. Now that they were together, he couldn't let anything tear them apart.

Somewhere behind him, a car randomly exploded.

When they could no longer fight, the team regrouped on the roof. The door that led to the stairs burst open right as they touched down. Out came a haggard, shaken, but unharmed Jane. Steve gave a cry of relief, and suddenly, there was nothing else in the world but her Jane as she ran to him. She jumped up, and Steve caught her easily, pulling her slender body to him like a lifeline. He buried his face in her neck, taking in her scent as she pressed a kiss into his hair.

"Thank God you're alright," she said.

"I should be saying that to you," Steve said with a tired grin. "I swear, if anything ever happened to you-"

They never did find out what Steve would do if anything ever happened to Jane. The sky opened up, like a horrible void that lead to the gates of hell, and out from it came numerous balls of rock that descended upon the earth at top speed.

Tony was less than impressed.

"Great job, guys!" He shouted at Steve and Jane. "Now we have meteors!"

The falling rock was getting closer and closer, and spontaneously combusted just as it whizzed by the group of exhausted heroes.

"_Flaming_ meteors!" Tony amended. Clint laughed softly behind him, like a man stricken by madness. "Awesome! Can it get any worse?"

The red sky then opened anew, only this time, the light that poured through was pure white and blinding. It ripped the sky apart like cloth, and issued sounds no human was ever meant to hear. Everyone screamed and ran for the door, but they all knew it was hopeless. Only Thor was left to face down the terrible phenomena, and for once, not out of bravery or a will to fight.

"But- But- But- But- But- But-"

"DAMMIT THOR!" Clint bellowed, running back and pulling the Asgardian along with great difficulty. "I said be emo later. What is wrong with you?"

"But- But- But-"

Clint growled in frustration and kept pulling. Eventually Bruce took pity on him and transformed again. He plucked Thor off the ground by the sides of his head and placed him at the top of the stairs. Thor instinctively descended to the top floor, still rambling all the way.

Once they were all downstairs, they could watch through the blown out windows as the white light grew brighter. Strange and unrecognizable masses were flying out of it. They looked vaguely like animals, but that was all anyone could determine.

"What do you think it is?" Jane asked.

As if in answer, a winged creature flew by, lingering for a moment to stare at them before going off on it's way. It wouldn't be a problem if the creature hadn't been a dodo bird, which were extinct.

And flightless.

The silence that followed was broken by Tony's cough.

"…okay, I'm not the only one who saw that, right?"

Everyone shook their heads or else muttered 'no.'

"Good."

"So now reality is breaking down, I guess," Bruce said, shoulders sagging. "Somehow, this isn't surprising me anymore."

"Join the club," Clint muttered. "There's no way we can stop this."

"It's all their fault," Tony said and jabbed a finger Steve and Jane's way. They scowled at him, but said nothing.

"How could their falling in love do all this?" Natasha asked, brow furrowed. "It doesn't make any sense."

"Yeah, because they don't make any sense," Tony explained. "When did they fall in love with each other? _Why_ did they fall in love with each other? Since when do they even hang out? How did they meet? All these questions that can't be answered!"

"You think I just jumped into the closet with some guy I don't know?" Jane shouted. "Steve and I were friends for months before now."

"I didn't see it!" Tony argued right back. "I don't think these guys ever saw it. I know Thor never saw it!"

"But- But- But-"

"So how do you explain yourselves?"

"We don't have to explain anything to you, it's none of your business," Jane answered curtly.

"The world is ending!" Tony said. "I think that makes it everyone's-"

_**BOOOOOOOOM**_

The tower shook harder than ever before, so that even Thor was thrown off his feet. They struggled to stand back up, but the foundation of the building appeared to have finally collapsed, and was slanting to the side. An enormous mass could now be seen out the window. At first glance, it looked like a mountain sprung up from the ground out of nowhere. The smoke and lava pouring out the top spoke differently.

"That would be a volcano," Bruce said in a daze.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," answered Clint.

The volcano erupted with an ear splitting blast. Lava flowed freely from the top and down the sides, racing through the city at an alarming pace. It came to surround the tower, rising several feet above the ground.

Or was that just the tower sinking?

"We're sinking into the lava?" Natasha cried. "Does lava even work like that?"

"Well, this apocalypse isn't following the laws of physics so far," said Tony as a winged elephant flew by. "Why start now?"

The building creaked and groaned as the lava slowly consumed it. Something crashed and sent it slanting further to the right. Jane lost her balance and fell back into Steve's arms. He held her tightly, hiding her face from view.

"Steve," she whispered so only he could hear. "What if this really is our fault?"

Steve gasped and shook his head. "No, no, that can't be it, that's crazy!"

"I know, but…" she dug her face into his shirt. "If it's true, if us being together is what's causing this, the only solution might be to break up."

Now Steve looked ready to cry anew. He pulled away slightly to look Jane in the eye, holding her face in his hands.

"No, I won't let that happen," he said. "We'll figure this out."

Tony snorted. "First we need to figure out what you two even see in each other."

"Tony, enough," Bruce said, stepping up. "This isn't the time for that."

"Oh come on," Tony said, throwing up his hands in exasperation. "If I'm about to die, I'd at least like to go with some answers. What, besides the whole mutual loneliness thing, could possibly bring these two together?"

A pause.

"Did you say mutual loneliness?" Natasha asked, brow furrowed.

"Yeah, you know," said Tony. "Like how Steve is misplaced from time and Jane lives on her own in the desert, trying to prove herself worthy to the scientific community and pining after a guy who crashed into her life, promised he'd come back and then never did. No offence, Point Break."

"But- But- But- But-"

"Other than that, I can't think of a thing."

Everyone considered this, while Steve and Jane just glanced at each other, unsure if they should be embarrassed, angry at Tony, or both.

They were still thinking on this when Clint suddenly spoke up.

"Hey, look over there!"

They followed his pointer finger to the windows, and gasped in unison at what they saw.

"The volcano is gone!" Bruce said.

"Yeah, thanks again."

"Knock it off, Legolas," Tony said, though the nickname was spoken half-heartedly. "How the hell did that happen… and am I crazy, or are we not sinking anymore?"

Indeed, when everyone focused on the ground beneath them, they felt no movement at all, only sturdy, metallic floors keeping them high up above the ruined city.

"Well, that's good," Natasha said. "But we still have a big problem here."

"Yeah, but just now, it fixed itself a little," Tony said. He paced around the room, rubbing his hands together. Anyone who knew Tony well knew he often did this when thinking really hard, and putting the pieces together. "It all started when Steve and Jane first hooked up, and it gets worse whenever they're acting all lovey-dovey because it doesn't make any sense for them to be together, but just now…"

He slapped his hands together.

"That's it! I know how to fix this."

He walked briskly to the somehow undamaged bar, a spring in his step like he was doing a dance. The eyes on his back didn't seem to phase him. It didn't matter how hard and unconvinced they were.

"You know how to stop the apocalypse," said Natasha.

"I sure do," Tony got behind the counter and grabbed a mixer. "But you guys are gonna have to help. We have to figure out more reasons why Steve and Janey over here could fall in love. See, since them being together is unexplained and that's what created the apocalypse, explaining it should restore balance to space and time, and reverse the apocalypse. That's why we have to put our heads together and make this strange love affair make sense!"

Another, much longer, pause.

"Are you kidding me?" said Jane.

"Do we get a say in this at all?" asked Steve.

"Nope," was Tony's cheerful response. Some more explosions sounded outside. "Now we're kind of running low on time, so everyone: why do you think Steve and Jane fell in love?"

Both Steve and Jane looked ready to argue more, but Tony was firm in his resolve and ignoring them in favor of his alcohol anyway. They were left gaping like fish, at each other and at everyone else. Everyone else, bizarrely enough, actually looked like they were giving this real thought.

"Well…" Natasha said. "Going off of what Stark said, the fact that their loneliness partially derives from a lost loved one could help. It's something to bond over."

As soon as she finished speaking, the flaming meteors stopped falling. The ones already on the ground and embedded in destroyed buildings vanished into thin air.

Tony just grinned maniacally.

"Perfect! Keep going, everyone!"

"I remember Steve telling me he did well in science when he was in school," said Bruce. "They could talk about that."

The moon reformed from it's shattered pieces and slowly lifted back into the sky.

"Steve is a gentleman," Clint said, shrugging. "And I'm pretty sure most girls like that."

All the fallen buildings started rebuilding themselves. The tower even rights itself and rose out of the ground. Within moments, it was back to it's former glory.

Steve and Jane stood rigid, shocked that this was actually working.

"I've also noticed Steve is very open to new experiences," Tony said. "I think he'd be very happy listening to Jane go on and on about astrophysics. She's passionate enough that it should stay interesting."

The tornado dispersed.

"Jane lives a quiet life, and after everything Steve's been through, I bet he'd like that."

The water returned to the ocean from whence it came, leaving not even a damp spot in it's wake.

"Jane does seem to like muscular guys…"

The rip in reality sewed back up, presumably taking all it's strange creations with it.

"And blondes."

The sky turned blue again.

"More than anything else… they look really hot together."

All the people killed in the chaos came back to life.

"But- But- But- But- But-"

And just like that, the Avengers had defeated the apocalypse!

"Alright! Good work team!" Tony said, throwing his empty shot glass in the air. The others gave half-hearted cheers as well, but they clearly weren't as excited as Tony was. They were too busy collapsing on one of the many couches in the enormous lounge. "Yeah, get some rest. You've earned it."

"This is by far the weirdest day of my life," Clint groaned. He then gasped and shot back up. "I just realized, this means the theater is back! I'm seeing Annie!"

He whooped and ran from the room. No one watched him go.

"I guess you two are pretty thrilled," Tony said to Steve and Jane. They were by the wall, arms loosely wrapped around each other and looking rather lost.

"I… yeah, I suppose," Jane said dazedly. "I think we're going to go now. I need to take a walk… and get a drink."

"I can't really drink," Steve said with a shrug. "But I'd be happy to pay for yours."

Jane gave a tired smile and hugged him to her side. "Aw, thank you, Sweetie. I love you."

"I love you too, Jane."

Tony tensed up a bit, half-expecting the entire planet to implode right then and there. When several seconds passed and nothing happened, Tony relaxed and breathed a sigh of relief. He looked again and found that in the interim, Steve and Jane had taken their leave. The elevator dinged, signaling their departure. Tony smiled and shook his head.

"You know, now that they aren't ripping apart the fabric of reality and almost bringing about the end of the world as we know it, they really do make a nice couple."

"But- But- But- But- But-"

"You got that right, Thor."

* * *

One week later, the Avengers again met up at Stark Tower. The only members missing were Steve, who was on a long vacation with Jane paid for by Tony himself, and Thor, but no one knew where he was. Neither had been seen since the near apocalypse, which everyone was perfectly happy to forget ever occurred. It would be surprisingly easy for them to do just that.

Would be, were it not for one Tony Stark.

"SuperStar?" Natasha repeated, raising an eyebrow. "Really, Stark? You're giving them a couple name now."

"All good relationships need one," Tony said with his head held high. With a tiny gesture of his head, he called attention to Clint. The archer sat beside Natasha in his new Annie T-Shirt, humming 'It's a Hard Knock Life' under his breath without a care in the world. "You know what I mean, Clintasha?"

Natasha smiled a sickeningly sweet smile. "I sure do, Pepperony."

"I'll have you know, Pepper and I wear that name proudly," Tony said, puffing out his chest. "SuperStar is a perfect name for Steve and Jane. Steve is supposed to be this amazing real life Super man and Jane's utterly in love with stars. Put it together and what do you get, Bruce?"

Bruce jumped a little at being addressed so suddenly.

"Ah… SuperStar, Tony."

"SuperStar! You got that right! Trust me on this, I'm gonna run it by them when they get back and I know they will love it."

"It does have a nice edge to it," said Coulson as he entered the room through the elevator. "Makes you think they're as special as they are."

"I know, right? It just goes to show that anything can make sense if you look at it from the right angle. I knew you had good taste, Coulson," Tony said happily.

He was still feeling very good about himself when it hit him.

"Coulson?!" He whirled around and missed the equally amazed looks on his teammates' faces. "What the hell? I thought you were dead!"

"I was," Coulson said calmly. "It seems this close call with Armageddon has had the side effect of raising several people from the dead, myself included. We've also confirmed the resurrection of Elvis Presley, among others."

"Elvis came back to life?" Clint said incredulously.

"Elvis was _actually dead_?" Tony said even moreso.

Coulson nodded, like he was telling them something as innocuous as what the weather was like. "We have reports of additional aftereffects as well. For example, Loki has turned good and is working to atone for his past crimes here on earth."

"Really?"

"Indeed," Coulson said. "In fact, he has already moved to earth permanently to live as a human. He currently resides in Great Britain and has begun working as a TV and movie actor. He's also changed his name to Tom."

Everyone stared blankly. Coulson nodded a second time.

"Yes, it's all very strange," he said, trailing off briefly. "Anyway, what I really came to tell you about was that you don't have to worry about Thor's mental state any longer. The shock of Dr. Foster and Captain Roger's love affair has worn off, and he's even successfully started a relationship with someone else."

The Avengers couldn't have been more relieved.

"Thank God for that," said Clint. "I swear, he was getting on my nerves."

"So who's he with now?" Tony asked. "SHIELD agent?"

"Not quite," Coulson said. "Actually, there's been another reported effect of the apocalypse. People from different time periods have been pulled into the present, and so far, we are unable to return them. Thor got to talking with one of them, a former British army officer from WWII, and things just ran their course from there."

"Is that right?" said Bruce.

"I haven't met the woman myself," Coulson went on. "But I understand her old boyfriend was supposedly killed in action and she's been grieving ever since. Now that she has Thor, though, I'm sure she'll be fine."

Coulson smiled as he finished speaking, either oblivious to the tension growing in the air or just not caring about it. He never stopped smiling, not even when Tony cleared his throat to speak again and let his mouth hang open for a few seconds with nothing coming out.

"What do you mean 'supposedly?'"

Coulson tilted his head to one side. "Well, he was in a place crash. Hard to find a body that way. Anyway, I have a lot more work to do, so I'll see myself out."

Coulson nodded one more time in farewell and turned back to the elevator. When he disappeared behind it's doors, Tony and the others continued to stare after him. When the elevator sounded again, revealing that he'd reached the bottom floor and was now gone, all eyes went to each other.

"British army officer," Tony repeated in a hollow voice. "World War II…"

"Boyfriend supposedly killed in a plane crash," Bruce finished for him.

"You guys don't think…" Natasha started to say.

Without warning, the sky turned bright red, and thunder rumbled ominously in the distance. The ocean water began to rise, forming a wave even bigger than the last one that shook the ground when it came down. Storm clouds formed and lightning struck, destroying buildings left and right and raining hail the size of boulders down on the screaming populace below.

Tony, Bruce, Natasha and Clint stared out the window, expressionless and silent.

"I don't know what I'm going to call this one," Tony said under his breath.

Clint then turned to the rest.

"You wanna go meet Elvis?"

"Yes."

"Definitely."

"I'll get the helicopter ready."

They ran for the roof.


End file.
